In my life, which has clearly included far too much free time, I've come up with a number of spectacular ideas. Nasty, scheming people later thought of and had the foresight to patent some of them. The Bum Bra, conjured up on a particularly humiliating cross-country run past the local boys' school (I was a chubby youth), was later brought to market in America under another name and made its inventor millions. That was my biggest miss. It was also me who thought up the idea of putting express salons at airports. I'm a genius. Other ideas are still in tact - disposable sieve inners, that's one I might just put into production. I hate cleaning sieves and would far rather throw away the clogged metal basin than spend precious minutes stabbing ineffectively at bits of dried pasta with a too-thick fork tine.

One idea that nobody, including me, has dared to put into practice yet, is my world-changing weight-loss concept: Imaginarianism. I think there are still Fruitarians around (although they are probably dying out quite fast, but quietly), and you remember the Breatharians? They claimed to exist only on air and positive thoughts. Well, Imaginarianism takes that idea, does away with the positive thinking aspect - it's just not practical if you're trying to lose weight - and replaces it with a package (which would be purchased online, from me, at a totally exorbitant reasonable price) including DVDs, books, posters, and of course an app.

This is a GUARANTEED weight-loss programme. Anyone strong enough to type a letter of complaint at the end of it is welcome to their money back. It works on strong scientific principles that I made up. The core of it is this: the hard thing about cutting back on the foods you love is the loss of the pleasure you would otherwise get from them. And yet we know, from some article I must have read somewhere, that the mere THOUGHT of food can not only set the metabolism racing (witness the explosion on social media of Food Porn) but can lead to a feeling of fullness, happiness, and satisfaction, the smell being close behind imagination as the most powerful sense. Couple these unquestionable facts together and you have Imaginarianism, where you lose weight by not eating, and IMAGINING that you are. 

Obviously you can't just go ahead and do this on your own. Oh no. Much like Scientology, you must master the art through a series of stages. So, within my Imaginarianism package, you would receive stimulating, sensuous essays on gourmet meals; scratch cards with some of the most delicious scents - freshly-baked bread, cookie dough, a juicy steak on the grill; breathtaking photos of Michelin-starred food that I will steal from Pinterest  source from celebrity chefs. The app would direct you to nearby eateries with well-placed, discreet windows against which to press your nose. Also, recipes you can make yourself in order to savour the scent of the cooking, solely for consumption by non-initiates of course, if you choose to stay in contact with any of these weak, flabby, inferior people after you've completed a couple of stages of Imaginarianism and are empowered and beautifully emaciated.

Well I can't say any more, copyright and all that, and the details won't be completely worked out until I get the money from Kickstarter. Meanwhile I will continue working on taglines. 'You Are What You Think You Eat'. Too long? 'Don't Fill Your Plate: Contemplate!' Or maybe just '(contem)plate'. In the right font, some sort of scientific/hipster type, that could look great, and would make a nice Instagram handle too. Although 'Imagine You Look Good' is my favourite so far. 

(Patent pending.)

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  1. Replies
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